Party

This weekend we had Jason's birthday party. It was so much fun.
I would love to thank Dana for all her help in the planning and setting up. You are a life saver.
Dana and I killed it in the Karaoke part of the party. I think that was the highlight of the evening.

Jason looked like he had a great time. I know he was thankful for everyone being there and celebrating with us. It was so nice to see our family and friends together in our house for the first time. It was very special for me.

I love Jason more then there are words. I hope he knows that.

Happy Birthday Honey!

Happy Birthday Jason!

I am so glad I get to spend the rest of your birthdays with you. I hope you enjoy your day.
I Love You!

Singing

I went to a rehearsal for the Messiah sing-along today. I actually had fun today (secretly I was hoping I wouldn't). I was really nervous because I haven't sang in such a long time, but I held my own. I actually have a solo I did so well :)

I think next semester I am going to join the community choir so I can sing Mozart's Requiem. I just have to get a score so I can start working on the solos :)

I think I have the bug again. Only time will tell.

Test

Last Friday I went to have a test for what I that was an ultrasound to see if my tubes were open and if I had any new cyst. It actually turned to be a pretty intense procedure. The procedure is called a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG for short). It's an x-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes with contrast dye.

So I get to the hospital and I check in. I find out that this test is going to cost me $600, I think "man this better be worth it". I get my wrist ban and the send me up to radiology. Jason was so good with me, rubbing my back and telling me everything is going to be OK (I love him so). So I have to wait for a while for the Dr. to get my lab results back (I am not a patient person so this was driving me nuts).

They finally called me back to the room and the tech walks me through what is "going" to happen. She tells me that she has been administering the test for 30 yrs and that her patients usually get pregnant after the test, so against my better judgment I get my hopes up.

I undress and put on the hospital gown then hope on the table. Then I wait...

Finally after the 30 minutes the radiologist comes in. He tells me in his own words whats going to happen: 1st, he is going to put in the speculum in and look at my cervix. Then he will clean it and insert a tube through the cervical opening and inject a contrast dye. Next he will blow a bubble to seal in the dye and then look at the tubes to see if the re blocked.
He says there might be a little discomfort but just like a normal exam. I think, that's OK since I usually don't feel the that exam.

So I lye back and they start. At first everything was going good, no real discomfort. He got ready to insert the tube and then the "fun" started.

He tried to insert the tube but could not get a "good" angle. He tried for like 15 minutes. I started to get nervous (more nervous). He popped his head up and said he is going to try a different tool and that I will hear a metal clinking sound. He also said that I might feel a little discomfort, but I thought no biggie, he said that before.

He re-cleans my cervix and say, "OK, here we go". Then all of a sudden PAIN beyond my wildest imagination. All I could do is cry. I start bawling beyond my control, it hurt so bad. I was squeezing the techs had and she was trying to sooth me but I could not get over the pain. It felt like he cut my cervix. PAIN!!!! That's all I can say about that.

I stop crying and after about 10 minutes he finishes. He comes around to me and says that he could not complete the procedure, my cervical opening is blocked and he can't get the tube in to do the test...
WHAT, I went through all this pain for nothing!!!! I could not believe my ears.

He left me to get dress, my mind just kept racing. I don't think it would have been that bad if Jason was in the procedure room with me but he was not allowed.

I go out to the waiting room and I see Jason and I burst in to tears. I felt like I let him down. I got my hopes up thinking this was finally our chance just to be turned down again.
I am stating to re- think all this testing, I was just traumatized and I don't know if I can do it again. I don't know how I can live through another let down. My heart hurts...

Since I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. I know that is in My plan. Jason is an amazing man and I know he will be a great father. I know that is in His plan. We together will make amazing parents, give kids an amazing a home to grow up in This is in OUR plan.
I know good things come to those how what but I am really tired of waiting for this part our life to start.

I think Jason and I will start seriously start the adoption process next year. As long as we have a family, that's most important.

For know I will trust that God knows what he is doing. I pray that it is in His plan for us to parents.

Sleep?

What is it? How can I get it? When does it come?
I am so tired but when I lay down my mind keeps racing about the days events and the day to come.

It's not far!

All I want to do is sleep for 6 hrs straight. I don't remember the last time I did that, even when I was vacation I only slept may 3 hrs a night.
I have worked so much the last few days and have had no sleep, I don't know how I am goign to make it the rest of the week.

Please pray for me and my sanity :)

Nervous

Today I go and have an ultrasound to see if my tube are open and if I have anymore cyst on my ovaries. I hope everything turn out alright, I don't know what I would do if the tell me I cant have a baby. Lets pray that it's just that I'm not ovulating, which is an easy fix. *fingers crossed*